rhysianoverture

 ...and that's okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2lA7Oyv864

 There's a limit to the emotions that I hide.

VH, you'd like me to respond here, why I'm still talking to her? Why I am still friends with her? I can only imagine that's the case. I won't do with any more of this drama, any more of anything, no more salesmanship, no more lies, no more changing the past to fit the present, no I'll do this the right way, in the medium you have chosen here, VH. I've been fighting with you in my head for the past three months, and sometimes I wonder at the legitimacy of my sanity after a few particularly precious hours have disappeared without trace. I can't keep talking to myself like this anymore. I'll say my piece here, I'm sure some of the parts will hurt you, perhaps because you deny them, hopefully not. I apologize for any grammatical errors before hand, I don't think this is going to go over well. Oh and, remember when I said "what if I was a time bomb?" well, I'm glad I didn't explode. --(nevermind, I did explode, congratulations)--

--Looking back, this seems like it will be one hell of a fucking emotional trip for you. Please read the whole thing, I poured my wicked mind into all of this, and it seems my mind is wicked no longer now that its at its end.

Now, where to start, the begining or the ending? Tough choice, see I'm not sure if I want the story to chronological in time, or chronological in emotion. Most people would say that chronological in time would make the more objective story, but its funny because its a story, it can't be objective. See its common belief, and actually has some validity, that chronological in emotion has a greater potential for emotional persuasion. But I will not do that. Potential, while effects the reality and defines what is, does not define it directly, if only people knew that about me. At least what I am getting at, is that I didn't use to have a side, I was just wrong, but then you go and do all of this...

So you kissed Kristina. I basically guessed as much before you told me yourself that you felt "like it was kinda my fault." That just finished proving it for me. I had learned from what you previously said and started paying more attention to body language, especially yours. Its awfully funny how close you were to her after that nite happened, always hugging, always brushing up. But back to how I guessed it. You said something like "I'm sorry I'm taken" to her, and your fingers moved toward her hand as she walked away. Only time you've ever truly hurt me, and you just probably found out about it. Maybe you've forgotten it, I don't know, I'll never forget that. I felt like you were lying to me the entire time, like you didn't care about Jess, like you didn't care about me, as if you only told me "I forgive you" just because you had already forgiven her. Then she came over wrapped up like a christmas present, oh the pain would never stop, revenge for everybody, perfect. I died with your fingers that day beforehand, I know you didn't notice, you still don't really know how good of an actor I really am. I didn't care about a single fucking thing. I would come on AIM have you scream at me, have you fuck and manipulate everything, see right through it, play along, but just so that I could feel pain. Pain was fantastic, oh the pain, you really know how to be dramatic, you know that? I think you're so dramatic you believe yourself even when you're lying, when one moment you're telling one story to one person and then you're telling a different one to another. I did not leave you for her there, I did not promise her such a thing loosely. At first you were happy to have her around. And she was really there for me many times. Then it began to oscillate, you hate her, you love her, you hate her, you love her. That was interesting, first you tell me to stay away, then you're grateful to see her. She hurt you yes, but only because you are you and she is she, you're essences, themes, colors so to say, while beautiful together, don't mix very well. What I am saying is, you two are an explosive reaction together. No I saw the problem, but I stayed for the Pain, for my own death. Death is beautiful. Death, like tears, can show you the world. But I think I'm rambling.

So I promised her to be her friend, she'd been there for me, she'd listen to me, she'd let me listen to her. I gave my word to you the same, hell, I'm still here if you need me. Left you for her? That's a very very very funny statement for me from twenty years from now, I'll laugh then. I swear I almost exploded when your mother said that. Shall we tally? Forgave her first, kissed her, talked to her about your problems continuously while pretended to be happy talking to me while telling her how much you hated me, used me to see her, that whole thing at the movie theater (do you remember what I said?), umm, I might run out of fingers and have to stop typing if I keep going.  Funny, you exploded on me the other week, but then you're talking to her. and wait, then you leave her behind to try to, what's the word you used? "remedy" the situation with me, in ambiguous terms? Two days later you ambiguously blame it on uncontrollable emotions and don't even apologize. Wasn't there something about wiping the slate clean? Wasn't there something about telling her to find a guy who's worth it? Wasn't there something about hoping that our last great fight was over? Wasn't there something about changing the past to fit the present? Wasn't there something about "I made myself Love her, but never really did" (Not a direct quote, excuse me)? From what I've learned about you after that nite, you didn't explode on me over Moroh, but to somehow please Jess, to put a bandaid over your relationship with her. I wish that wasn't the case, but deep down I know its true. I hope you Love her, you'll need that, I still stand by that you two will stay together to the end, or whatever you want to call the end of your lives. I can't see the future anymore. I gave that up. I can't feel you anymore, I gave that up too. I can't breathe freely anymore, I gave up too. I gave all those things up to forget that I'm in Love with you. I love you now, just as a friend, just hope the best for you. and fuck there are days when it comes back, and fuck there are some objects that look great near my flesh. I died again in college, still talking to you because I cared, because I'll not forgive myself.

But that's beside the point, VH. You talked to her, you spent what, two, three of the last months asking her for advice. Is Sen asking Conner for advice? Did Sen kiss him and tell him she can't be with him because she's taken? Do you want to fetch Kristina's and your chat logs? Maybe compare them to Connor's and Sen's? I wonder what Sen would say if she saw them. When you decided to give Kristina another chance, I gave her one. She hasn't let it down. You yelled at me, you were out to hurt ME on purpose, JUST TO HURT ME. Excuse me. So wait, who betrayed who for who? YOU"RE NOT THE ONLY THAT FEELS PAIN< YOU"RE NOT THE ONLY ONE EFFECTED BY WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO YOU"RE NOT SOMEBODY WHO CAN JUST SWITCH STORIES BETWEEN PEOPLE AND ASSUME THAT IT WILL WORK OUT. Excuse me again. But yes, I've still got all the chat logs, that part especially: "Why are you out to just hurt me?" "Because you lost me Moroh." well, I didn't feel like checking precisely for the wording, but that's pretty close. So I take back my appology, the one about making you lose Moroh, the one to which you responded "don't appologize" in a forgiving tone that was over the phone, did you forget? Yea well, not sorry anymore. Looking back I did the right thing, I went to a close friend to stop myself from hurting myself. At this point I'm pretty sure you've talked to people about how I hurt you just to hurt me. And now it seems really like you're trying to hurt Kristina. Telling her to find a guy who's worth it? That was the same night you told Jodie, same night you said you hated me and were out to hurt me. Did you tell em both that you feel betrayed because she had just been talking to you and you were asking her advice and she defended me? I shouldn't laugh. I really shouldn't.

You say that she'll hurt me and then make it better over and over again? She hasn't done that yet, and she won't do that. But you have. You have soooooo much. I have limits of tolerance, even though it doesn't look like it, they are far away, but you've managed to reach them. Not pain, your insults don't hurt when they're lies, too chickenshit to call you? Kos? Hah. I should stop laughing. Do you want me to congratulate you on reaching my limits? You are the first.

Moroh left you herself. You say you could've "fixed" things with her? that was up to you first in your hands first, that may still be up to you, I don't know enough, and whatever happens, that's what it is. But I believe that right now your friendship with her is in her hands, just as my friendship with Jess, Cameron, Jodie, Sen, and whoever else you've decided to use to hurt me is between them. But it is their wont, I will not hold anything against them especially when they might be right, or might be wrong. Especially when I've already lost everybody everybody save James, Linda, Ariel, Kristina, Aki, and Moroh, that sunny morning. After that my mind, despite all efforts of reasoning and logic, began to tell me that everyone I knew before except those, would leave me behind, but not before each destroying me. It is for them to decide, and while you do have the monopoly in the direction of the story with all whom you tell it, I choose to ignore this fact. How I hurt you there was my fault, but you yourself still do not even know how I really failed you, VH. How I really failed you, what my flaw really is. I said that when your fingers reached for hers as she walked away was the only time you ever really hurt me. It was. That sunny morning was full deserved, fuck it lessened the pain I really felt. I wanted you back, even when I knew deep down it would be replicated, false. I wonder if it was. You seemed happy that one day we went Borders. You seemed sincere that one day when you said that you hoped our fights were over. You seemed sincere that first time you were urging me to go to Oyster Fest with you. You seemed honest when you said "thank you for coming" at your party. And I wished so hard to be able to say "thank you for inviting me" but I know that all I did was make things extremely awkward for everybody there.

Which reminds me, everything we've tried to keep to ourselves, just got out and hurt everybody. Unlock this entry, I want everyone to know what both of us believe. I'm tired of being under different judgments, especially when nobody knows my own. Especially Sen, I want her destroy me after reading this. That will make her decision of who I am actually meaningful. And if this entry pushes Moroh away too, I can't help it anymore, I can't hold the truth of what's happened to me in anymore, its not fair to anybody. ---(nevermind had a better idea)--

You told me she hurt you lots and lots and lots and lots and well thats what you told me everytime that you hated her so far. But every time you went to loving her around (or is it Loving just her? I'm not sure, although I think you are sure, whether its true or not) you told me not to fuck with her mind and with her heart, because that's what she's been through her whole life. Except it really killed me when you fucked with her mind and with her heart yourself. From "I hate" rants to "why isn't she around." Life's a joke, no? I'll be laughing if I'm alive. I'll be smiling remembering your face if I'm Alive. Not right now, right now I, Rhys, am really tired. Yes, I'm back, after what has it been now, months? Its interesting how being around Moroh brings out the best in me, being around Sen used to bring out the beautiful in me, and being around you, well, that was special. You brought out the awkward in me, the silent, the deadly. But no, now I'll channel who I want to be myself, after all, the three of you have taught me how, even without knowing. Sen gave me tattered wings. I'll grow my own now, I gave those fixed up to you anyway. I'll hope, I'll dream, I'll Live, I'll find Love, whoever it is, where-ever she or he is. No, right now it doesn't look like I'll fall for a man, but the possibilities will never stop. The potential of this life is only limited to the day I die, and that is only limited to my hands. I will take this life one day. Unless the one I Love who Loves me back is still alive. My potential is limitless, but I chose this, I chose this place, these feelings, this breathe you've given me. It is the most beautiful.

Kristina says you only want me to stop talking to her to hurt her, and I don't know if I believe that. I wish I knew. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want this pain form you, for you, for me, for her, for anybody, any longer.

I'm the one

that hurt you

I'm the one who cares

I'm the one, looking down on you

I'm the one who's there

What,

do you think

I've become?

What,

do you think

I've begun?

I'm the one looking down on you

Where do you go when no ones there?

When no ones there?

--Korn, I'm the one

Yes, I've looked down on you for your inconsistencies and lies. But I really shouldn't, I don't think I will anymore, it doesn't fit what I call you, VH. You aren't like me, you aren't free of time. I'm not fully free either, even when I bring back emotions of those that have passed on, I still cry in sadness that they will never make me laugh again. I should've went to his funeral, I mean a friend who physically died. But whenever I want, I can bring back any emotion, any happyness, and any pain. I can even create things that I will feel. I used to be able to tell when I'd feel such things, but I've sacrificed that.

Kristina is different now than she was before, she hated herself last summer. Too much. And I hope that I gave to her what you three gave to me. Hell, she's even decided to face her fear of water and went out and bought Bioshock (its interesting, I didn't even recommend it). I won't be with her, but for my own reasons, she knows this and is happy being my friend nonethess (also please keep her secrets out of this, kthnx). Her values, her everything, different. I'm her friend for the same reason I was so close to you, for the same reason I couldn't stop talking to Sen, for the same reason the best of me comes out around Moroh, for the same reason I still love you: you are all beautiful. With all of our flaws, we are still beautiful, fuck even John Paul Larkin was happy to just die because he's tasted beauty in his life, so "tell me about the color of your soul?" My new color hasn't come yet, but it will. It was scarlet, then it was a nice green with a scarlet center. Then it froze over. Then it died. Now its back, and I can cry. 

I wish we were friends again, real friends, as close as we were. I wish so hard I could explode. I'm sorry what all that happened, you're right if it wasn't for her, none of this would've happened, but you brought her in and I would've never found her beauty either. I'm sorry for the ways I've failed, but I'll keep those ways to myself. I'm sorry for wanting revenge on you, although I doubt you'd ever return the apology. But as it was in Moroh's hands, as it was in Jess's, as it was in Cameron's and Sen's and Jodie's, it is now in yours. Whatever happens now, for whatever reason, I love you. I'm sad for you when you are sad, I'm happy for you when you are happy. I wish the best for you. Whatever you chose, just remember that no relationship is easily fixed with a band-aid, it takes time, it takes love and sometimes even more. If you chose to leave me behind in your past now now, that's your choice, if you chose to try to fix this, you'll have to start with an apology to everybody: and I mean everybody you've lied to, everybody you've hurt, everybody you've tried to screw over for yourselfish purpose, and everybody you've used to do it, yourself included. I hope you realize how important this is for you, but that's your path to walk, your time to spend. And if you do, I'll be the happiest I've been since I gave you my heart to hold on to. Goodbye for now VH, I think we both need to take a little break from talking to each other. Bye.

I'd like to make myself believe

that planet Earth turns slowly

Its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake, when I'm asleep

Because everything is never as it seems

I'd like to make myself believe

that planet Earth turns slowly

Its hard to say that I'd rather stay awake, when I'm asleep

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams...

--Owl City, Fireflies

Dear Universe,

I've built my home a long time ago. I'm not moving it even if the tanks of battle are at the door. Universe, you can kiss my ass.

With complete disrespect,
A resident.

(P.S. no no, I'm just venting to the universe)
 

THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE IS FOR YOU
ALL YOUR FACES I CAN SEE
YOU ALL THINK ITS ABOUT ME
I'M ABOUT TO BREAK!
IS THIS MY FATE?
AM I STILL DAMNED TO A LIFE
OF MISERY AND HATE?
YOU WILL NEVER KNOW
WHAT I'D DO FOR YOU
WHAT YOU ALL
PUT ME THROUGH
I DO IT FOR YOU
I COULD HAVE
NEVER LIVED
IF ITS WASN'T
for you.

--Jonathan Davis
 

Guardian:
The Bridge has fallen and ends in death. Call forth the name to summon the path. What is the Bridge?

Me:
Life is my answer.

Guardian:
Life is the Bridge that ends in death, though duty may hold it at bay. You have spake of the bridge, but this alone is not enough.
You are not alone on this Bridge. Call forth the name to summon the path. It travels with you, and through it you travel, and yet it does leave you behind. Who is with you?

Me:
Time is my answer.

Guardian:
Time is with you and you travel through it and all the while it moves away. Time goes on with and without you, though duty may make it wait.
The Bridge is not stable, and the end changes place. Call forth the name to summon the path. Choose the step which is the hardest on the Bridge.

Me:
The current one, for it alone is my choice.

Guardian:
The current step may be your first and it may also be your last. The other two are abstract; this one is yours to choose and shape, though duty may force the choosing.
You have summoned the path, and may join in the guarding. Duty awaits you.
 

Had a really really amazing time at my very first con!!!

Too much happened, and I don't feel like writing everything up, but if you've got specific questions feel free to ask :D

Also bought lots and lots of stuff, I'll post a note later on all of it!! ^_^
 

Here's the few finished photos of Renor Alti'uin that I got from City Hall last Tuesday:

Looks like I am going to make it to AN09. Gonna be fun there, but I still godda work on my cosplays T~T I've got most of Amon down, but I'm not entire happy with it yet, seeing as how I'm OCD/purist. Then there's Kanda, I've not clue where to start. Lastly I have to come up with entire cosplay because I've never played Okami T~T This'll be interesting.

Other than that, I'm burning lots of musics for people tommorow because I've had lots of requests, and have found a pretty cool album. Lemme know if you've got a request and I'll burn you if I've got it (bought lots of CDs xD). Currently I'm going to burn lots of Blue October, In Flames, Breaking Benjamin's We Are Not Alone, Frou Frou's Details, Paprika soundtrack, some Soilwork maybe, SOiL's Scars, lots of Russian music for lots of pplz. I'd burn KoRn, but everybody seems to hate em :<

Generally feel better than I have in about 2 weeks. I guess I don't blog when I feel bad? My brain is stranger than it should be. Hopefully I'll get some nice dreams, instead of the random ones where all my friends suddenly become smokers O~o

Dropped in on a study group with my Calculus teacher and realized that I'm probably going to fail the AP test for BC, looks like I'm still doing fine in AB (probably going to get a 5 or a 4). Damn, I should've never taken that class. Then chased after the Spark Notes crash test all the way to Border's, and ended up at the old park which made me want to shoop mai whoop. Following that Border's apperently doesn't sell Spark Notes things, and I'm not even sure how I ended up there, cuz I was on autopilot. Yeeeeeaaaa not trying that again. Dentist tommorow. This is probably going to be the last day that I'm chilling out before the AP tests *hides in corner.* Well, I usually work better under stress.

In different news, managed to brighten up a day with a video game. Hope its gonna be fun. Happy surprises should always be about, and if they aren't we should make em. Wish I could teach my friends how to reach that relaxed state, because even tempirerally, everybody needs a little break :) I think that's what life needs to do right now, to back off and let things settle. Just let everybody be okay for a little while. Is that so much to ask? I guess I could apply my Why Not principle.

Well, that's me first LJ. I should eat a cake or something... or go play that video game that I bought for myself alongside Fallout 3 >.>